This month David ‘Lildave’ Nicholson has been planning what jobs he – and the rest of the UK poker fraternity – could flourish in if poker disappeared tomorrow…
Here’s a harsh slice of reality for current and aspiring poker professionals alike – poker is getting harder! It’s reaching the point where we are all starting to contemplate the long-term health of poker as a professional endeavour. You might think this would be a point of huge concern for someone who relies on poker for a high percentage of his income… however, after an inspiring conversation with my accountant I’ve become resilient and responsible. So should the river of poker (excuse the pun) dry out, I’ll be ready for it! For everyone worried about what might become of them should poker end, I’ve come up with a few plan Bs, to suit every poker personality.
Plan B (1) Financial adviser
Job description: We’ve all seen the dire repercussions of child stardom: Britney Spears went totally off the rails, Angus T. Jones (Jake Harper in Two and a Half Men) has fallen in with a religious cult and Charlotte Church lost the plot as a child opera star.
Now here is what I propose: take a successful poker player that is used to money, has experience in the spotlight and knows how to have fun and put them in charge! Can you think of better advisers for vulnerable child stars? They don’t want people telling them to invest in property, eat brown bread and find a nice girlfriend…they want someone who can find them the best hot tub you can get for £20k, where the hottest strippers are and the best place to party in Vegas on a Wednesday night.
Imagine where Britney would be right now if she’d had Jake Cody on hand to advise her? She probably would still have shaved her head but for totally different reasons.
Required skills: Wealth at a young age, enjoy heavy spending and a love for extravagant nights out.
Ideal candidates: Jake Cody, Matt Perrins.
Plan B (2) Desk chair consultant
Job description: One of the things all poker pros have in common is that we’ve spent a lot of time sitting down. I know that you all think sitting down is easy – well, I have news for you – it isn’t. It’s actually very scientific and fraught with danger. Any serious grinder will tell you the many risks to your spine and back with all that sitting, so a good and suitable desk chair really is a must. Imagine all the office workers, students and less intensive sitters out there who are currently causing themselves irreparable damage to their back by sitting on the wrong chair!
So whether you’re a concerned sitter, a manufacturer of desk chairs, or an employer who employs people to sit on chairs, just think how much benefit you could gain from hiring a desk chair consultant to analyse and improve your chairs. I’d suggest £400-£600 per day as a suitable rate of pay.
Required skills: A LOT of experience in sitting is essential. Also, be able to talk and write coherently and own a suit.
Ideal candidates: Stuart Rutter, Tom Middleton, Richard Trigg (but only if he bought a suit).
Plan B (3) Travel agent
Job description: As we know, one of the perks of the touring poker pro is the travel. Even myself, who doesn’t attend all the tour events, has had the privilege of going to all sorts of fantastic places. In fact, some of my friends from the ‘real world’ have taken to messaging me asking about holidays! I’ve often thought when/if poker goes wrong I could easily charge people for the terrific advice I frequently give them on potential holiday destinations, such as…
Venice: ‘Casino is a billion years old, great food and very pretty. Lots of bridges and alleyways. You’ll defo get lost and for some stupid reason it has two airports.’
Barcelona: ‘Amazing casino, and there’s a shot bar that doesn’t tell you what’s in the shots – you have to guess from the names.’
Prague: ‘Great strippers.’
Required skills: Have lots of European travel experience, a thirst for new experiences, and must be able to write.
Ideal Candidates: John Eames, Toby Lewis and Chris Brammer.
You’re lucky to have me.
Check out my blog at www.lildaveslife.com. This last month I’ve been trawling through history and re-living how I came to be a poker player. We’ve also got the continuing life story of Jon ‘skalie’ Kalmar and a host of other guest writers!