The Best Poker Jokes

We’ve put together a collection of the finest poker jokes – if you post one on our forum you could win a poker DVD

AK = Anna Kournikova. Always looks great. Doesn’t win much.

That’s right, we’re giving away a top DVD for the best poker joke posted on the PokerPlayer forum. The best selection will be judged by our team and announced on Dec 14th.

The Leprechaun

A guy was playing 10-20 hold’em and was stuck about £300 when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. "Quit playing poker forever right now and I’ll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow. The player replied, "Let me get even first."

The Good Beat

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his repugnant, nagging wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked. "You’ll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I’ve just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn’t easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

AK = Anna Kournikova. Always looks great. Doesn’t win much.

Dealing out Discretion

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Jones looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Delauney, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, Raymond "Discreet" Delauney is what they call me, leave it to me."

Delauney walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Delauney says, "Your husband just lost £500 playing cards." She looks at him in disgust and says, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Delauney says, "I’ll tell him."

Take my wife…

"That damn husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbour.

"You didn’t do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did – though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Hand of God

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"

The Calling

There’s a guy who lives in London. One morning, he hears a booming voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice, but can’t help thinking about this seemingly divine message. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe." He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry." He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt pocket Aces. The voice says, "Go all in." He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h.

The voice says, "Damn!"

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