So you’ve won a big tournament? Congrats! Now it’s time for the fun stuff… spending your bags of cash! There‘s only one man for this job – step forward Lil’ Dave Nicholson!
At PokerPlayer HQ, they are blessed with access to some incredible poker minds, and are able to find an expert on any poker topic they want to explore. My phone rarely rings, but the other day Editor Ross Jarvis called me and said, ‘David, we have the perfect strategy article for you.’ My mind started to race – I had some excellent views on four-betting ranges with deep stacks in short-handed games that I was keen to share.
‘No,’ Ross said, ‘We wanna know how to SPEND the winnings!’ Well, you’ve come to the right place. All you lucky people with some winnings burning a hole in your pocket need not worry any more, David is here! With answers for everyone with all amounts of money to spend, here are my top nine ways to spend your winnings in 2014…
- 9. Property
For every sensible investor; with a thriving rentals market, and a buyer’s market still in the early stages of resurgence, the ideal place to invest a chunk of money is in buy-to-let property. An 8-9% return on city centre properties is currently very realistic and…HAHAHA! Of course you don’t want to invest in property, which of you fell for that? Shame on you! Nobody will be buying houses when you see the exciting list of objects I have prepared for you!
- 8. Personalised BBQ branding iron
One for the fellas here! I doubt there is anything more manly in the whole world than BBQ-ing. The bloke starts with some coal and a pile of raw meat, and using nothing except his natural man instincts and some fire, creates a meal for his whole family. Plus, all this is done while the missus is indoors chopping up salad. What better way to further imprint your manliness onto this epitaph of manhood than to actually print your name on all the food!
- 7. Aquatic go-kart
Go-karting is awesome fun, offering the opportunity to drive recklessly and crash into people in a fairly safe, yet competitive environment. The problem with go-karting is that everyone has done it – even my 8-year-old cousin. If you really want to turn heads get yourself an aquatic go-kart! With top speeds of 65mph and handling like a land kart you can perform impressive and seemingly insane moves with no risk of flipping over. In short, you’ll look like a massive legend.
- 6. Bulletproof suit
Nothing says well-to-do, successful man quite like an elegant (but slightly understated) wardrobe. My friend, who works hospitality in Vegas, told me a few years ago that to spot the richest man in the club you must, ‘Find the guy in the second most expensive suit’. With that in mind let’s take understated elegance, add in a touch of practicality and make that suit bulletproof! It goes without saying that a man who is worried about being gunned down is clearly very important, and with the sophisticated pin-stripe effect you’ll turn a head or two as well.
- 5. Smartphone controlled light bulbs
So you won a couple of quid, bought a bulletproof suit, and now all your mates think you’re a legend. What next? We must persuade them your powers extend beyond cards and chips. Not only can you see into a man’s soul, you can also control the elements! With these smartphone controlled light bulbs you can appear to be altering the light and mood of a room by the sheer power of your mind!
Price: £30 per bulb
- 4. A trip to the Rhino!
When you go to Vegas winning the money is only part of the battle; getting out of Sin City with the majority of it still in your pocket is the big challenge. At the epicentre of sin and temptation lies one of the world’s finest places, Spearmint Rhino! Rather than worry about Vegas getting you, just embrace the devil and treat yourself.
Price: It’s up to you!
- 3. World War II Tank
Cars are always a great way to tell people you’ve made a few quid but the problem with cars is that no matter which car you buy someone, somewhere has a better, more expensive one. So how do we tell the world we’ve won a few quid while maintaining our humble and subtle reputation? Buy yourself a WWII tank!
- 2. Floating hot tub
The secret to flashing your poker winnings is to buy items that are so unique it’s their absurdity that draws the attention. I think we have found the perfect item – the floating hot tub! What better way to seduce the apple of your eye than taking her for a float around the canal in bubbly bliss?
- 1. The best way to spend your winnings: A bank vault full of gold coins!
We’ve now reached a point where you’ve won so much that not only can we no longer hide our flashy nature, but the most practical way to store our new found wealth has become an issue. So why not hire a bank vault and fill it full of GOLD COINS?! Whenever morale takes a dip you can go swim in all your money, have money fights or pretend you are James Bond with Halle Berry!
Price: £8,500,000 + vault hire